Fill your vacuum with self worth

There is a story of two famous couple’s combined intimacy and freedom. Theirs is the story of friendship which rather than crippling each other with dependence a strong relationship with one another freed them and took them further to greater heights. That is the story of DeWitt Wallace and Lila Bell Acheson, the co-founders, co-editors and co-owners of the popular magazine called The Reader’s Digest.
The story of how such an empire rose from an initial capitalization of $1800 is one of the most exciting success stories in the annals of American Business. It is also the success story of a friendship that turned into partnership of marriage.
When DeWitt Wallace was recovering from shrapnel wounds in the army hospital at Aix-les-Bains in 1918, he read every magazine he could lay his hands on. Most of the articles were too long. He started editing them into a shorter form.
After getting discharged from the hospital he selected a group of these condensed articles and called the collection The Reader’s Digest, and sent samples to publishers throughout the country. He was willing to give it to any publisher provided he is retained as editor of the magazine.
The experts were unimpressed. While many predicted that it would have a fast death and some said that it would not even cross a minimum circulation. Everyone he trusted turned down his offer. He was desperately looking for a friendly gesture from someone.
“A friend is one who walks in when others walk out,” said Walter Winchell. When Wallace was in Minneapolis, he found an ally, Lila Bell Acheson who had already fallen in love with Wallace. She became a source of great support to Wallace. They got married. There was hope for Wallace. Now both could dream together and achieve everything together. They got ready to go to honeymoon. Before they left both jointly sent thousands of letters as appeals. By the time they returned there were thousands of letters in their mail box. The remittances totalled nearly $5000. Wallace and Lila together worked even harder until their eyes blurred and their shoulders ached, slipped out to lunch, hurried back. The result of this hard work together brought in the long expected result. The magazine’s circulation grew beyond the couple’s fondest dreams.
Today, Reader’s Digest is printed in 21 languages, sells 18 million copies a month, and is distributed in 70 countries with 50 editions. In Asia alone there are six editions and five languages with 1.6 million copies sold every month. The company grosses an estimated $500 million a year.
This is the story of people who have understood their self worth and shared the same dream together. This is also the story of people entering into friendship having a good self image.
Today, one of the vicious circles with which therapist do daily is this one: The better a man’s self image, the better friends he is likely to choose, hence the better the relationship, and hence his self-esteem is enhanced. The worse a man’s self – image , the more likely he is to choose jerks for friends, hence the relationship is likely to go bad, and his self image is further lowered because of this failure.
How do we break that cycle? Two ways, basically. The first is to try to establish in the counselling room a good relationship. Perhaps it is the best relationship the patient has. Perhaps it is even the only one.
But that is not enough, for people who depend on the approval of others to feel good about themselves will be disappointed, and what is more, their need for approval can ruin relationships by overloading them.
M. Esther Harding says, “When someone is uncertain of himself, always needing approval and support of others and being unduly depressed by their criticism, it means that he has no valid criterion of value from within himself. If he is disapproved of, he feels crushed; if he is not noticed, he ceases to exist; and if he is praised he is in the seventh heaven of elation. He has little sense of his value, though he may give the appearance of being exceedingly egotistic, since he is always fishing for praise. He purrs and preens himself when it is given, literally basking in an atmosphere of approval, while he usually goes away by himself to hide his hurt if the desired notice is not forthcoming. His centre of gravity is not in himself, but outside in other people.”
So the lesson is obvious: No hide and seek game can help in friendships. You cannot expect someone to fill your vacuum. You cannot depend on others for your sense of self-worth. It must come from within you. Only two persons with good self image can take relationship to a newer frontiers.